


Late Night with Stefon Meyers

by futureboy



Category: Late Night with Seth Meyers, Saturday Night Live, Weekend Update (SNL)
Genre: Clubbing, Comedy, Current Events, M/M, Politics, Sketches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-07 08:27:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21455014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/futureboy/pseuds/futureboy
Summary: Stefon covers an evening of Late Night… is a phrase which summarises ninety per cent of the nightmares Seth Meyers has.[a.k.a. I wanted to try my hands at in-character politics, and this is a great vessel to channel it through. I did a vile amount of research for this dumb script. Not RPF - Stefon only.]
Relationships: Seth Meyers/Stefon
Comments: 42
Kudos: 80





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _This is a fair use, non-commercial fanwork and I have nothing whatsoever to do with SNL or Late Night. Stefon’s character belongs to John Mulaney, his face to Bill Hader, and his fictional hand in marriage to Seth Meyers. Read: ohmygod don’t take me to court please._
> 
> Well… This is new for me. I’ve always loved programmes like The Daily Show / Late Night / Last Week Tonight (in this house, we respect the wonderful, local John Oliver), so naturally I thought I’d try my hand at it. Here’s some political crunching mixed in with some skit nonsense. Enjoy!
> 
> (@NBC… I’m trans, British, and I have no idea what I’m doing. Hire me! It’ll be way more exciting than suing me!)

> ## From 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York, it’s Late Night with Seth Meyers!
> 
> Tonight - you know him as Weekend Update’s City Correspondent, inventor of the widely-banned cocktail ‘Tequila Solar-Eclipse’, and New York’s finest Pixie Stix portraitist... Your host, due to sickness, is **Stefon**!
> 
> A nightlife promoter with a lifetime of clubbing trauma behind his eyes, he’s the best underground guide to New Jersey’s hotspots - **‘Tetanus’ Joel Tontodonati**!
> 
> Featuring **The 8G Band**!
> 
> Ladies and gentlemen - **STEFON MEYERS**.

* * *

[From the left of the stage Stefon rolls into frame behind the Late Night desk, and bats cheering away, fluttering of fingers hitting his palm.]

[The applause continues. He covers his face - simultaneously amused and mortified - until it finally dies down.]

...Hi.

[Instantly eliciting cheers, Stefon grips the edge of the desk as though he might fall out of the studio.]

I… You sound good. I _ hope _ you’re good. Seth always asks you, but I don’t really care how you feel when we start, as long as you _ leave _ here good. That’s what matters… Of course, the execs told me I couldn’t make sure of it and leave little baggies under your seats, like Oprah does with _cars_ or whatever, so it’s a slim f*cking chance of that! But I’m still doing my best with _ words_, Producer Mike Shoemaker! Get off my _ case! God_.

Um, anyways. I’m Stefon Meyers. I’d say ‘the one-and-only’, but I have a half-sister born on the same day who’s ruling a moderately-sized kingdom in the Ninety East Ridge, so yeah. And you might be wondering, _ ‘where _is the ruggedly handsome silver fox that is Mr. Seth Meyers?’, or ‘where did this low-testosterone alternative to Jemaine Clement come from?’

Those are all _ very _ important questions, but first - multitasking. I can keep you in suspense _ and _in the loop, with some commentary on the titles we’re giving to global shenanigans: a few words on the news!

* * *

A Texas DJ made viral video news this week when a clip of him and his cat spread across Twitter. The Instagram loop ran with the caption, ‘my cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back’.

> My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back [pic.twitter.com/KYNEWzrnF8](https://t.co/KYNEWzrnF8)
> 
> — CARLYLE (@ColtonCarlyle) [November 11, 2019](https://twitter.com/ColtonCarlyle/status/1193737894973849602?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)

The cat reportedly knew the risks, as the man made it clear this wasn’t a one off licking-attempt. I don’t know how to explain to a grown man that if she yowling and scowling, then you shouldn’t touch her with your tongue, but if anyone else can let me know then we’ll shoehorn that into high school Sex Ed somehow. Stefon is _ all _about safety.

The FDA issued a warning to Dollar Tree about selling ‘potentially unsafe drugs’. To which _ I _ say: why are you getting your drugs from _ inside _ the Dollar Tree? If you have twenty bucks and an oral favor to hand - or mouth - then you can get them in the parking lot after 10PM. And the potential is _ absolutely _ fulfilled. Trust me on this.

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin says she learned her husband wanted a divorce via an email from his attorney. Yes yes _ yes_, the attorney reportedly sent the email on June 19th, with Todd Palin then filing _ on his birthday in September_, in a move _ so _ cold that TIME paired these headlines together:

Imagine being such an icy bitch that it frosts over from Juneau to Austin. Tsssss-_ouch_.

The IRS has released new tax brackets for 2020, which I can only assume means a change from the curvy ones, to the _ kinda _-wiggly ones? Y’know, the ones that look like the tacky Halloween facial hair worn by a college junior you _ probably _ won’t have sex with.

Yep. _ That’s _ the shady slut. Grab a handful of my fringe and leave it on, Brett.

President Trump did that _ thing _again today, where he says something 'factual' even though he has evidence to say otherwise in his hands:

> “Ukrainian FM Vadym Prystaiko said on Thur that the U.S. Amb did not link financial military assistance to a request for Ukraine to open up an investigation into former VP & current Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden and his son, Hunter Biden.”  
➡️<https://t.co/sgMcOUZaid> [pic.twitter.com/Vzm7w7jaIF](https://t.co/Vzm7w7jaIF)
> 
> — Dan Scavino (@DanScavino) [November 15, 2019](https://twitter.com/DanScavino/status/1195429727370174469?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)

“They don’t like to report stories like this”? You’re holding the article! It’s already been reported on Ben Shapiro’s kooky website, _ genius! _ Although I _ do _ like “big story”, which it _ is_, because he also did the Old Guy thing of printing out the whole webpage. It’s a big story because Vadym Pristaiko’s _ face _is half of the first page.

And finally, a U.S. medical company claims to have developed a cure for HIV, as well as fifty percent of Sacha Baron Cohen’s material.

* * *

Ladies, gentlemen, and the otherwise aligned - thank you for your service \- we have a _ great _show for you tonight. I’m Stefon Meyers-- 

[The crowd roars with approval, and Stefon steeples his hands over his face in the meantime.]

Mmmm… You probably haven’t heard of me.

Not because I’m unknown, but because my attention is _ exclusive_. (What would the, uh, _ upper bound _ be for ‘exclusive’ in terms of people? Because I’m just wondering. Plus two dogs notwithstanding.)

You might be surprised to hear that Seth Meyers, unlike most fertility gods, can be weakened by Science Germs. I know, I don’t make a habit of discussing the flaws in his otherwise-perfect structural integrity, but tonight you needed - nay, were _ owed _ \- an explanation for his absence. Plus, if I pretend he’s not a perfect man then I’m less likely to have someone try to snatch his tight little jogger’s calves away from me.

I _ see _ you, fifth seat second-from-the-back! Bitch, just f*cking _ try_.

[The pause for glowering is longer than necessary, but Stefon recovers himself with a measured exhale and braces himself against the desk.]

So the little ones are at Nanny and Grandpa’s, and Seth’s in bed hopped up on Nyquil. It’s great. He talks a lot when he’s loopy, so it’s way more entertaining to hear him ask things like

_ ‘Stefon... what’s a Hoofah?’ _

And _ ‘Stefon... what’s a Human Loofah?’ _

And _ ‘Stefon... please tell me that’s not why you bought tickets to the ballet?’. _

Hence why I need him to rest up, because I am _ not _ missing that show.

Yesyesyesyes… I came home yesterday evening to find that he needed weird soup more than he needed to power through tonight’s episode. (He didn’t appreciate the bowl of Chicken Strudel, _ what _ a surprise.) So I insisted on filling in. Stefon _ loves _ filling in, oohooo. Don’t worry, Seth will be back soon: he pines for work when he’s not here, he’s like a almond-eyed Yorkiepoo going through withdrawal, all shaking and tears and reminiscing. This always happens. I’ve caught him tenderly running a finger along his framed print of ‘Lunch Atop a Skyscraper’ more times than he’s comfortable with.

When I got here, I found that the snot-fection had taken out a bunch of the writers and crew, too, like when half of a high school Math class discovers communal bong sessions for the first time. I had some ideas - most were denied, _ boooooo _ \- but I still managed to sneak in messages about Gay Taxonomy, at _ least _ one Daddy joke, a short film I conveniently made yesterday with a companion that I simply _ ruined_, and a blank-faced, Japanese living-art model who paints their hoohah to look like a flower.

…Oh, they couldn’t come? Well, I suppose I could give it a try, but I didn’t bring my acrylics.

Before we get to the media equivalent of a broad-shouldered, quick-tempered parent of two facially assaulting you with a large kaleidoscope, though… I have to show off my research. 

[He runs his tongue along his teeth. This is clearly something he’ll relish in telling.]

The second day of the impeachment inquiry went off without a hitch… Sorry did I say ‘hitch’? I meant ‘hish’. That’s a _ hopeful wish_. Like, a hundred things made me cringe so bad I thought I was going to fold into myself like a black hole, my _ least _ favorite position and frankly a _mid_-quality porn category. For more on this, it’s time for A Closer Look.

* * *

###### 

* * *

[I’m gonna do my best to channel Seth’s spirit right now. Hopefully he didn’t expire while makeup were fussing over me.]

Before Stefon got his diploma and discovered his talents for remembering long lists, he wanted to teach abroad. Ms. Stefon didn’t let him--

[The crowd make noises of sympathy. Stefon looks pleased, but still holds up a patient finger:]

\---because she said she didn’t wanna clean up the mess when I was inevitably stoned in Uganda.

So _ I _ hear about this lady who’s gotta testify, and let me tell you, she’s basically been an Ambassador of Patience to the Danger Zone that Kenny Loggins keeps rattling on about in Top Gun. Marie Yovanovitch has been _ everywhere _: Somalia, Kyrgyzstan, Armenia, Elon Musk’s Second Moon Colony, and _ Ukraine_. She’s like that steely-eyed female bartender in a skeevy Texan dive who’s seen it _all_, and still has steady hands and a smile by four in the morning. God only _ knows _what people leave at the bar in Kyrgyzstan.

Her opening statement was _ crazy_ intense. Family fleeing the Nazis and Soviets. 33 years in ambassador-ing, which is basically being a babysitter for two countries at once. Unfairly ousted - I’ve been there, honey. _Raised in Connecticut._

I know, I know. The worst part of all of this is that she thrived in all these nasty places and in uncomfortable conditions, and then our government basically said, ‘hey, come home! We have weapons to rival all those front lines, the same amount of suspected-Russian corruption in our government, except _ now _ you live in a country where knowing another language is a social faux pas that _ cannot _ be forgiven!’

Oh, and the President live-tweeted during her testimony.

> Everywhere Marie Yovanovitch went turned bad. She started off in Somalia, how did that go? Then fast forward to Ukraine, where the new Ukrainian President spoke unfavorably about her in my second phone call with him. It is a U.S. President’s absolute right to appoint ambassadors.
> 
> — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) [November 15, 2019](https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1195356198347956224?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)

> ....They call it “serving at the pleasure of the President.” The U.S. now has a very strong and powerful foreign policy, much different than proceeding administrations. It is called, quite simply, America First! With all of that, however, I have done FAR more for Ukraine than O.
> 
> — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) [November 15, 2019](https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1195356211937468417?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)

Trump is like the guy who makes a big deal of not tagging along to a dorm room blowout. ‘I’m not going to the party. I don’t feel well, I got too much homework to do, I’m not going’. And then he’s messaging you all night long, you _ know _ he’s never done any assignments in his life, and the party is _ fantastic _ without him. Even Devin Nunes the Douchebaggery Major comes staggering in like, ‘it was just like in the movies, man, it was wild!’ and Trump’s like ‘f*ck you, man! F*ck you! It should have been behind closed doors! Go f*ck yourselves. I didn’t even wanna go.’

> Democrats put up Trump tweet from this am attacking Yovanovitch [pic.twitter.com/XirLcgHNna](https://t.co/XirLcgHNna)
> 
> — Olivia Beavers (@Olivia_Beavers) [November 15, 2019](https://twitter.com/Olivia_Beavers/status/1195420099366326278?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)

It’s like taking a cardboard cutout on a night out when no-one wants to do a couple’s costume with you. _ He’s still here! It’s okay, he’s still with us! _ Presumably he couldn’t make it to the second round of hearings because he had his bi-monthly Brazilian neck wax scheduled, and simply _ couldn’t _ attend.

[Stefon tuts and shakes his head sympathetically. The audience, faced with the mental image of Trump’s neckgina, make appropriate noises of disgust.]

“Everywhere Marie Yovanovitch went turned bad,” said the man who is so good at ruining everyone else’s good time that McSweeney’s provided an ‘Atrocity Key’ to a [2018 catalogue of his past decisions](https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-complete-listing-so-far-atrocities-1-546):

...I hope someone writes a review like that of _ me _one day.

So as we watched Marie Yovanovitch try not to call the President the c-word in real time, there was another question brewing in the Republican hive mind. (I swear like, fifteen of these people are wired into the same system, it’s a little scary.) Why was Yovanovitch testifying if she was removed from her position in May 2019, and the call in question took place in July 2019? 

> Only questions necessary today... [pic.twitter.com/CXVSM6kFH1](https://t.co/CXVSM6kFH1)
> 
> — Devin Nunes (@DevinNunes) [November 15, 2019](https://twitter.com/DevinNunes/status/1195446957994627074?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)

> "Do you have any info regarding the POTUS accepting any bribes?  
  
Yovanovich: "No."  
  
"Do you have any info regarding any criminal activity the POTUS has been involved with at all?"  
  
Yovanovich: "No."[pic.twitter.com/5YLD6RmeXQ](https://t.co/5YLD6RmeXQ)
> 
> — Liz Wheeler (@Liz_Wheeler) [November 15, 2019](https://twitter.com/Liz_Wheeler/status/1195423094199873536?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)

I know lots of Republicans, and some of them can even read. Chairman Schiff had to point out to them, however, that though Yovanovitch couldn’t dish any goss on what went down _after_ the Oligarchy Express pulled out of the station, she was explicitly mentioned _by the President_ in the July 25th phone call as ‘bad news’.

Like… Trump brought her into this. It’s not Yovanovitch’s fault.

And of course she was important - for context, because how else could they start committing swapsie crimes and scadoodly-doo on outta there if a smart woman was in their way? Just because a lot of people say the same thing doesn’t give it any credence. For example, peeing on a jellyfish sting - while entertaining! - is not necessary at _ all_, and is mostly regarded as a waste of time amongst professionals. My bestie-since-kindergarten, Tiny Elbows M.D., became a jelly pro-fish-ional, so I _ hear _ these things. (Luckily, you don’t need normal elbows to treat a sting, either.)

I’m a difficult person to surprise, Late Night audience. The fact that the party defending Trump missed the dorm room blowout and _ still _ didn’t do the required reading for class? It’s as predictable as Amy Poehler winning a dance-off against renowned procurer of Star Wars prostitutes, Pimperor Palpatine. So I wasn’t surprised when they brought more of their own _ actual _ cardboard cutouts to display through the hearing. [[x]](https://nypost.com/2019/11/15/republicans-once-again-display-giant-visual-aids-at-impeachment-inquiry/)

I wasn’t surprised when they attributed their leading quote to a ‘Ukrain-an’.

[Stefon splutters and takes a second to collect himself. Eventually, he flashes an embarrassed smile at the camera:]

Nothing more American than putting your mistakes on full display and ignoring they exist!

But if you’re looking for a complete lack of surprise, look no further. The best part was when the White House [summarised the April 21st phone call](https://www.cnbc.com/2019/11/15/trump-releases-transcript-of-april-call-with-ukraine-president.html) on Thursday morning:

> In a previous readout of the call, the White House claimed that Trump had expressed a commitment to work with Ukraine to “implement reforms that strengthen democracy, increase prosperity, and root out corruption.” But the description at the time from the White House is not matched by memorandum. Trump also did not underscore the “unwavering support of the United States for Ukraine’s sovereignty and territorial integrity — within its internationally recognized borders,” as the White House had claimed.

Their summary was _ totally _ unrelated to the contents, like when I was trying to set up a Grindr date for my Venezuelan artist friend Ande Warhol, and no-one _ actually _ ‘liked Latinos’, they were just racists with washboard abs. Y’know?

It’s kind of like when your buddy forgot about the book report, hasn’t even scanned over the first chapter, and then copy-pastes it from SparkNotes and makes up the rest. The links don’t go anywhere and you’re exposed for what you are - delusional and lazy. You’re not sick, you’re not working on homework and you should've just gone to the dorm room blowout, aieaie_aie_.

In conclusion:

> Do you have any info regarding any criminal activity the POTUS has been involved with at all?

Well, Yovanovitch doesn’t - but you actually do, and you don’t even realise you’re broadcasting it to the world.

This has been my most faithful rendition of A Closer Look. We’ll be back shortly!

[Stefon spins in the office chair delightedly as the crowd roars, narrowly avoiding the stage steps as he veers to the right.]


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Death and incest mentions ahead. (They're separate. Don't worry. It's an anti-incest joke.)

God, I thought this would have more pizzazz, y’know? Let me psych myself up, I can do this. It’ll be fine. How hard can Seth’s heterosexual everyman spiel be? I haven’t been this unnerved by myself since the time I did second-hand fume rag huffing.

Oh, _ god_. Hi again… Word of warning, don’t clap this.

We here at Late Night have a lot of expenses. (And by ‘we’, I mean that Seth has a shameless addiction to those crumbly little half-spherical cookie things that come with coffee, y’know?)

To cover the cost of these expenses, we have taken on some sponsors… But some of them are pretty terrible sponsors. They’re sponsors I’m fascinated by, sponsors I’m intrigued we took money from - and I _ know _ Seth feels ashamed and the opposite of proud, because he never _ shuts up _about it, yeesh.

Because he took their money, though, I now have to mention these sponsors on the air for him. So I would like to apologize in advance. (It’s what he would’ve wanted.)

Late Night tonight is brought to you by--

**Convenient Thanksgiving Distractions.** An easy way to avoid all of your seasonal problems! Is the tension winding up at the table because Great Grandpa Richard started complaining about impeachment again? Or maybe Aunt Judy worked in a sly jab about how you, _ personally _, are killing the diamond industry! With **Convenient Thanksgiving Distractions**, you can put a stop to any potentially holiday-ruining remarks. Simply laugh anxiously, gesture with a serving spoon, and shout, ‘wowie zowie, Mom’s creamed potatoes sure are good this year, huh? Have you tried ‘em yet?’.

‘It’s just not natural for two men to--’ ‘You know what _ is _ natural? This beautiful centerpiece! Great job cramming reject pumpkins into a stolen traffic cone, Weird Cousin Mark’.

You don’t need to bring anything new to the table - it’s been done for you, and there’s so much to work with. **Convenient Thanksgiving Distractions**. Everybody knows the cure for a mouthy smartass is to cram it with turkey.

Tonight’s show is brought to you by **Yankee Candles**. The candles for the die-hard baseball fan! Do you miss the atmosphere of an awkward, windy square, where you get to sit on an uncomfortable seat looking at striped grass _ and _ the balding spot of the old man in front of you? Experience it at home by lighting one of our scented candles! It’ll cover up that stuffy, lazy aroma that’s been hanging around in your kitchen since Wednesday. Comes in three spectacular flavors - yes, flavors! - Stadium Pretzel Funk, Locker Room Musk, and Metallic Rivalry. Oooh. 

**Yankee Candles** \- because your wife loves the Red Sox, and she didn’t take out the trash this week, goddamnit.

Late Night is also brought to you by **Black Ice Pilates**. When frost starts a-callin’, we’ve _ all _ slipped down the steps out front. But do we all do it with grace and _ style_? You know the answer! That’s why **Black Ice Pilates** believes that if you’re going to do the splits anyway, you might as well minimize the pain. Clinically proven to stop you popping weird strings in your groin, or literally tearing yourself in half, **Black Ice Pilates** will have your ass touching the floor in the third-most exhilarating way possible.

**Black Ice Pilates**! Because it’s not a stretch to assume you _ might _fracture your tailbone this winter.

Tonight’s show is also brought to you by **Outcest**! Tired of telling guys you love him like a brother, only for him to try to f*ck you anyway? Or is he one of those freaks who gets off on ‘setting up _ your _ father and _ his _ mom’, as _ well _ as technicalities? Try **Outcest**! It’s just like incest, but as far away from you as geographically possible.

Put the ‘out’ into ‘_I’ll gouge out your eyeballs with an ice cream scoop before I call you ‘Daddy’ _!’

**Outcest** \- because when it comes to your family tree, you should branch out.

And lastly - tonight’s episode of Late Night is brought to you by **Grandma F*cking Bit It**. **Grandma F*cking Bit It** is the fast, easy way to explain the natural passage of time to your children. Simply wait until a beloved member of the family passes on, and bust out our educational pamphlet on Explaining That Seasons Change. For younger members of the family, we offer a pop-up version that’s engaging _ and _ informative. My favorite section is the one about open casket services. So many flaps to peek in, so little time! We all have… so little time… 

Order now and we’ll throw in a DVD exposé on the funeral industry and what happens to a human soul!

That’s it for our bad sponsors! Here are some of the good ones. (I hope. I don’t really watch TV, I let my kids help me with bedazzling cats for charity while Seth tells us what’s happening on-screen.)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drinking ahead. Obviously. ☺

\---and you wouldn’t be_lieve_ it, Syd, I had knee-shaped bruises bracketing my waist for _weeks_. The saga just kept on developing - amateur arson, Chlamideo Kojima, hallucinogenic jellyfish truffles, someone _fell down the Grand Canyon_, sand in places it should _never_ be... It was pretty much the best summer vacation ever.

Oh! Welcome back to Late Night with me, Stefon Meyers. As you may know, I have been a City Correspondent for New York’s hottest clubs for many, _ many _ years now. This is mostly because I am not a _ snitch_. Failures of architectural engineering are like, in the 101 syllabus for interesting nightlife, come _ on_.

Anyways - yesterday, one of my oldest and bestest friends was in town, so _ naturally _ we hit up all the best new places he hadn’t seen yet. His name’s Tetanus Joel, he’s the resident club poltergeist of Newark, and I asked him if he wanted to hit up some of my favorite and best haunts. And he said _ of course I want to trade notes with you, Stefon, I’ll meet you where **♪Seaaaasiiiiide!♪** used to be! _

That was at three fifty-six in the afternoon… And some of the most exclusive places open at four. Here, in a segment I thought was Standard Drinking but apparently is _ not_, is ‘Day Drinking with Stefon and Joel’! Little sidenote: I got home at eight to find Seth Meyers decomposing in the hallway, so I have been awake for almost fifty-three hours now. Feast your eyes.

* * *

[On the rapidly darkening streets of New York City, a camerawoman follows Stefon’s large, calculated strides towards a telegraph pole being urinated on by a homeless man. Leaning against the pole, and maintaining animated conversation with the gentleman loudly relieving himself, is a tanned, five-six splinter of a human. His tank top is covered in grease. His pants seem to be made _entirely_ from grease smeared onto his legs, but it’s impossible to tell. Green cowboy boots creep almost to knee-height.]

Joel!

[As soon as Stefon approaches, he bids his goodbyes and skitters on over, up on tiptoes to loudly air-kiss Stefon’s cheeks with a thick, New Jersey sounding- _mwah!_ .]

> ‘Ey, it’s Stefon! How you doin’, buddy? _ Love _ the hair, that grown-out fringe looks _ top class _ on you.

Why, _ thank you_, Joel! I love what you’ve done with your nose, was that another brawl? You really suit it.

[He addresses the camera:]

This is Tetanus Joel - so named because every time you bump into him, you end up having to get a shot. I met him in the open trunk of Honda Civic drinking black market cough syrup in 2006, and we’ve been best friends ever since.

> Yeah, I specialize in car pop-ups. How’s the mister?

Still wearing boating shoes.

> Such a shame, such a _ shame_.

[Joel shakes his head sympathetically, and gestures for the camerawoman to follow. Stefon glides into his element like the spectre of pop-up culture.]

Oh, god, let’s not discuss it. We’ve come out to introduce you to the latest _ metropolitan _horrors, not domestic tragedies. Tell me about what you’ve been up to lately, and I’ll tailor the tour as we descend, okay?

> Well. I was looking for a good time on Goosey Night, and I fell in with the wrong crowd-- the city’s hottest club is **twennyregularcash**!

I’ve never been!

> Oh, you’d fit in like a sweaty boulderer in a subway car full of cosplayers. Located in the husk of a Wawa that shut down in 1998, it’s the club that finally answers the question: “is it called a Pork Roll, or Taylor Ham? I can’t do this anymore, Bernice, I really _ can’t_.”

_ Always _ wanted to know.

> I’ll take you sometime. It’s gotta be seen to be believed. Dude, this place had _ everything _ \- week-old coffee martinis, socks filled with jelly, a man who eats safety glass and _ ew_, chews with his mouth open. And shut the front door, is that Shakira? _ Hell _ no it isn’t, it’s a pudding-faced grandma who’s working towards her aromatherapy qualification, and needs volunteers to get aroma-boarded.

[The camera jostles: “Aroma-boarded?”]

Oh, honey. It’s where she puts a meaty hand around the back of your neck, and forces your face into a bowl of essential oil fumes.

> Highlight of my evening. No question ‘bout it. Them rose hips don’t lie at _ all_. So what do you think, squirt, have you got anything that might work along those lines for us?

Yesyesyesyesyes _ yes_.

> Then talk me through it, champ, where’re we off to?

[Tetanus Joel claps his hands together, and Stefon rounds a corner, walking with the calculated purpose of an animatronic escaping its Chuck E. Prison.]

New York’s hottest club is **Marshmallow Squizz**. If you’re looking to work through some lines, then this is the place for you. Established in a first-floor backroom bookkeeping office, this dusty collection of filing cabinets is the creation of lesbian warehouse duo Futch Blasphemy and the Forklift Recruit. The password is your mother’s best friend’s birthday.

[They duck into an alleyway, and Stefon examines the brickwork by the trash for a few seconds. Eventually, he pulls out a brick with his bare hands, spins a combination into the wall-embedded lock, and a wooden door clicks ominously across the way.]

[The camera follows the two of them through, and down a narrow hallway, until the aforementioned office opens up. This place has _everything_: your transphobic coworker losing an argument, competitive tobacco chewing,_not_ strobe lights, but Christmas lights that are malfunctioning so badly they may as well be strobe lights, and a Greek fifth grader making custom pizzas.]

[Stefon and Tetanus Joel accept shots from a secretary in a tweed wheelchair, and then the secretary joins them for an immediate second round. Following that, creeping past a woman in a semi-formal leotard, Stefon reaches into the back of the bottom drawer of a filing cabinet to retrieve some hidden whiskey.]

> The immersion is _ great_.

Right? Look, Roger’s demonstrating that he doesn’t know basic mammalian biology. And if we’re lucky, we might see Seth Adeyole Dixon, a freedom preacher whose ideas about liberation are ignored by white centrists because he’s still alive.

> The scene around here’s really changing, huh?

Yeah, ten years ago, I probably would’ve ignored him, too.

> You always hated talking to strangers. Your momma brought you up right, s’why.

I never minded being _ around _ them, I just don’t like talking to them. I’m not a professional socialite, you know? I’m a market researcher. If there’s anyone you want to draw into a club, it’s the person whose opinion matters the most, and I’m just not sure that celebrities are trustworthy enough for that role… Remember Robert Cattinson, the vampire furry? He’s been on the same crystal meth high for seven and a half _ years_.

> He’s a frugal boy. You gotta respect it.

I do, I do. I just feel like he needs to stop converting other people to his dangerous nocturnal lifestyle. Not everyone wants to be a domesticated predator mammal.

[They clink their whiskey bottles together, and as is the office custom, hide it to the furthest possible extent when they down it. In one easy action, they’ve already consumed half of what Seth would get through in a standard Day Drinking segment, and they show _no_ signs of slowing.]

I was thinking of this other place as our next stop.

> Hit me.

Okay. If you’re looking for a darker, denser atmosphere, Tetanus Joel, I have just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is **Proverbs**. This thankfully-drained ten thousand gallon septic tank had the end sliced off like a _ roulade_, and was pumped with even more raw Super Sewage! This place has everything: sippy cups, your sh*tty ex-boyfriend audibly slipping on a wet patch, strange and long fungus, a killer who’s _ still at large_... And in the main room, which only opens on November 26th each year, is a synchronized swimming team made up _ entirely _of transgender mermaids.

[Roger, the transphobic coworker who’s losing an argument, yells something that sounds suspiciously like ‘why can’t they keep their scales the way they _are?_’ Stefon rounds on him viciously.]

_ Because_, Roger, sometimes people need a support group to find the flattest clam shells for their mermaid bra uniforms! I wouldn’t expect someone as narrow-minded as you to understand seabed politics! _ God! _

> That guy sucks _ ass_.

_ Right? _ Anyway, what did you think of **Proverbs**?

> It doesn’t really sound like the route I wanna take tonight. How about you hit me with something that’s got… Glitz?

Oh, Tetanus Joel, you know all the right things to say to a man. Come with me, come come come…

[Back the way we came, Stefon leads Tetanus Joel back through shots reception and onto the street. He’s a master of walking and talking, and drinking, because he promptly procures and opens a large bottle of bitters that shouldn’t have conceivably fit into his pocket.]

If you’re looking for sharp glitter and stabby glamour, I have just the spot for you. New York’s hottest club is **Why Won’t You Just Stop and ** ** _Ask_ ** ** Someone?!**

> I love it already, kid. Tell me more.

Based in a humid studio with a persistent wall-snake problem, this entertainment sweatshop is cruel and unusual. It’s the ingenious creation of directionally-challenged drag queen, Kellyanne Wrong-Way.

[Stefon passes the bitters and tries not to laugh. He’s much better at handling the taste than Tetanus Joel.]

This place has everything: the shrinking corridor from Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory; thumbtacks; wheels you can strap a man to and spin; a Walgreens cashier who asks ‘How are you doing today?’ when you’ve _ literally _ just limped over to them and put thrush medication on the counter… A cop who you’re _ not _ letting come in without a valid warrant… And the latest in particle science technology: a machine which teleports _ your _ craps into someone _ else’s _ Spanx.

> They’ve pumped some funding into this place! Damn!

Of course they have. The studio’s in the shadow of an aggressive art-deco mechanics’ building in Carroll Gardens. And you’ve never guess what else they have...

[There is a brief montage of Stefon and Tetanus Joel en route to Carroll Gardens, during which they finish a second bottle of straight bitters, a travel mug of distilled quinoa, and pure milk vodka from the shell of a deflated basketball.]

[Inside **Why Won’t You Just Stop and ** ** _Ask_ ** ** Someone?! **is a series of portable sets, under brightly lit purple and azure spots, each with a panel of contestants party-icipating. Stefon throws his arms in the air.]

They host _ so _ many game shows!

> Holy cats, you wasn’t kidding! There’s the Walgreens guy!

[Tetanus Joel is slurring his words something amazing.]

You okay, Tetanus Joel?

> All good, squirt, all good. What’re the shows?

Ooh.

[Stefon counts them off on his fingers.]

Let’s see… There’s America’s Funniest Home Surgeries… Family Feud: Mobster Edition… The one where they ask rich people to come and get the crap kicked out of them for charity…

> Oh, ‘Who Wants To Be In Medical Care’? I saw that one a coupla times. 

Yes yes _ yes! _ Although my personal favourite is, y’know… That game, where one of those militant atheists who has to find his way out of an old English church cottage that was redesigned but ultimately rejected as a stage of ‘The Crystal Maze’? It’s called ‘I’m in a Rectory, Get Me Out of Here’.

> I wonder if I can get that on cable.

Oh, just torrent it. Plus, if you’re super lucky, you get to play a round of The Bachelorette. It’s that thing where you have to pick your mugger out of a line up, but they all look and act like the same sh*tty white guy, so it doesn’t really matter who you end up with.

> That sounds amazing, but I ain’t been mugged lately. Are there any drinking games?

I know _ just _the thing for you, Tetanus Joel.

[Stefon flits over to what looks to be a converted blackjack table, covered with various pints, shots, and glasses. He rents it with a whisper to the ‘dealer’, and the two are left to film their game.]

> Tell me about it, Stefon.

This is ‘Truth or Prayer’.

> Oh, I’ve played this! The one where you have to face the shameful, excruciating ordeal of honesty, or mix spirits until you’re close to death?

The very same, my rusty friend… Winner is the first to ten without throwing up.

[The camerawoman says something along the lines of ‘this doesn’t sound very safe, you guys,’ but she’s ignored in favor of the table.]

> Truth or Prayer, Stefon?

I’ll start with a truth. The pure milk vodka’s yet to kick in.

> What’s life like now you’ve settled down?

Oh, honey, I didn’t _ settle_. That man is the best person I ever made happen to myself. Sure, he gets weirdly mad about how to load a dishwasher, and he doesn’t understand a good trip unless it’s in book form, and sometimes he yells at wait staff when he’s had a bad day and that’s _ super _ embarrassing. But… I like that he tries to dance with me and sing Baba O’Riley when he’s tipsy, and that weird mimic thing he does with his hands when I find something funny… And I don’t know, he surprises me with what he’s up to try. You know I got him to try Cotton Candy Hopscotch the other month?

> He did that with two kids in the house?

They were at Ms. Stefon’s.

> Shame they missed it. Damn shame.

Yeah… Maybe next time. Truth or Prayer, Joel?

[There’s a quick cut of glasses tipping back. Prayer, Prayer, Prayer. At one point, Stefon bastardizes the _SheHakol_, and at another separate point, Tetanus Joel belts out a Madonna song with startling pitch control.]

Truth.

> How long can you hold your breath for?

Six and a half inches… I’ve been working on that last quarter-inch, it’ll come with time. Truth or Prayer, Joel?

> Truth.

Tell me about your hottest _ personal _ club in Newark.

> Oh, yes. Permanent A+ ranked hotspot in the Basement Ward is **Let’s GO! Let’s F*ckin’ ** ** _GO!!!!_ **

[Tetanus Joel takes a deep breath after screeching, and knocks back a cider, even though he doesn’t have to.]

I remember when we went there! It was 2012. I was working on a show about musical numbers, it _ tanked _ when I left the payroll.

> Oh yeah! It’s changed. If you like operas where the main character takes the entire last act to loudly die, then you _ might _be interested in revisiting. It’s the only place in the whole country that plays that music I like… Acapella Helium Dubstep.

Continue.

> It’s that thing, right, where you keysmash into a Nintendo game and it reads out all the syllables to you.

> The real reason to get [#miitomo](https://twitter.com/hashtag/miitomo?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw) is for all the laughs it'll give. [pic.twitter.com/lNLjzj2Wak](https://t.co/lNLjzj2Wak)
> 
> — Alex Kwan (@ChunksTheMighty) [April 1, 2016](https://twitter.com/ChunksTheMighty/status/715757088572633089?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)

Oh, _ that _ thing.

[Tetanus Joel and Stefon are agreeing, and entering a sixth round of ‘Prayer’, when a patron of the club approaches the table. He’s ancient, doddery, and the camerawoman remarks that he smells strongly of sambuca; Stefon does not look impressed.]

Mmm… Joel, this is Silent Dwight - so called for his dreary ASL renditions of Christmas Carols in the run-up to the 25th. Lives in a car behind the shampoo store on 102nd, which, coincidentally, is also his age.

[The man signs something which is clearly obscene, and his hands have to be censored for the Late Night audience. Tetanus Joel gags. Turning his hands into lobster claws, Stefon curls his lip:]

Oh, Dwight, let me slip into something more comfortable first… Like a _ rip current_. Get out of here, you nasty old man! You _ know _ my heart belongs to Seth Meyers. Like, _ legally. _Go on, go test someone else’s nonverbal understanding. I’m sure they’ll love your gross wrinkly hotdog fingers more than us.

[Tetanus Joel watches in disgust as Silent Dwight shuffles towards the Family Feud set.]

> The mobsters are gonna _ love _ that.

Yeesh, I know. Look at him, he sags like his personal center of gravity is pulling him into _ Hell_. He’s so old that he knows Martha’s Vineyard Sign…. But he _ won’t _ share. Piece of _ work_, that one.

> How come he hasn’t been kicked out?

Well, the man puts the ‘sin’ into absinthe… Like, no, literally, he supplies some kind of witches’ brew combo of both anti- and pro-hallucinogens, and the mixture can mess with your brain so deep that you can taste Snapchat filters.

> How’s that workin’ out for people?

Well, I’ve never met a survivor. And I have two kids, plus a husband at home who still does that thing where he stares at the ceiling, and tries not to smile when I mention Human versions of stuff, so I’m not in a hurry to close that chapter just yet. If you weren’t here, I would’ve just rolled away from the situation, like a cat.

[An incredibly drunk Tetanus Joel frowns, _deeply._]

> How do you think cats move, dude…?

* * *

[It cuts abruptly to the dark street outside. In the background, a clock is chiming for the half-hour - Stefon has Tetanus Joel draped over his shoulders like a milkmaid’s yoke.]

> Did I win?

You won, Joel. You scored _ twelve _ points, actually, so I’m not sure _ how _you’re not dead.

> Oh, the Home Surgeries set gave me something… Y’know? I’m not sure it helped.

[He tips his head back and doesn’t say anything else, so Stefon deigns to address he camerawoman instead:]

Thank you for letting us borrow you for the evening. It’s getting close to eight, so I’m going to take Joel back to my place, and hope Mr. Meyers isn’t too upset with a passed out Jets fan in the spare room on date night.

* * *

[In the studio, Stefon beams from behind the Late Night desk throughout the applause.]

And that’s where he still is! I’m pretty sure, anyway!

That was Day Drinking with Stefon and Joel - we’ll be back shortly, so don’t go anywhere, you newly-enlightened people, you.


	4. Chapter 4

So I was rearranging my clippings cork board this morning, and I saw Seth had pinned up this study about migrating tree frogs or something, and I’m like, well, I’m glad _ you’re _ interested but I just don’t care where they’re going! And--

[Stefon pauses, and angles his nose skywards curiously.]

Wait, I’m sorry… I could be wrong here, but I think I smell smoke, and I was warned that could only mean one thing. It’s time for: **Ya Burnt!**

* * *

* * *

(I love that bit when Seth does it. You know that close-up zoom-in thing, where sometimes, he looks like he’s wearing mascara on his lower lashes like Twiggy? It’s so-- oh, that segment bumper was shorter than I thought.)

Welcome to the Burn Zone, everyone… Isn’t it _ exotic_. This is just like that time that we forgot to empty that little lint collector in the dryer for six months. Now, we haven’t got long, so I’m gonna turn up the gas on this convenient burner and let her sweat like a cornerback on a line of White Magic!

**Sleepwalking.** Proof that your unconscious mind wants to lumber around like an escaped zoo animal, put random household items in the refrigerator, and pass out again without warning. If I wanted to wake up in my bathtub, I’d make a mess of the liquor cabinet in the basement after crashing a poorly-secured company party. When we do things YOUR way, Sleepwalking, we get a sore back and a sh*tty night’s sleep. I can think of a better way to achieve _ that_.

Huh, turns out there’s more than one idea.

What’s the matter? Turned on the stove during a mobile fever dream? Time to wake up, buttercup, ‘cos **Ya Burnt**!

**Fights Between Youtubers.** _ What?! _ Sometimes two things that shouldn’t go together end up being _ super _ good for each other, like apple pie and cheddar cheese, or acid tabs and pop rocks. But this is the career equivalent of a head-on collision between a water truck and a school bus dripping with greasy teenagers.

I didn’t want to watch you when you were livestreaming GTA V for a living. Now I have to see news articles about you being violent for realsies? Ooh, which one do I want to win - the Nazi, or the guy who makes rape jokes? And not even that tasteful kind? I think I’ll go with ‘Whoever Justin Bieber Isn’t Rooting For’.

**Youtuber Fights,** you’re out for the count, and **Ya Burnt.**

**Wisdom Teeth.** The overcrowded calcium parade that finally answers the question: what if bones went wrong in your face? Molars growing in sideways is the dental equivalent of your boyfriend swearing that he ‘missed the hole’. Wisdom was _ never _ a part of that decision. Haste and horniness were, and these teeth are sexed-up, selfish _ fiends. _

I’ve heard from reputable tooth enthusiasts that sixty per cent of the time, it’s not even necessary to have extraction surgery, which can only mean one thing - the Tooth Fairy is tired of breaking into your home to rummage around under an eight year old’s drool-soaked pillow, and now she’s going straight to the source. _ Don’t _ let her bloodlust increase over time. Just leave them in there! That’s what my middle school did with my appendix, and to be honest, even when it burst, we weren’t fussed. I was _ already _on a lot of painkillers by the time I was thirteen, so it barely made a difference!

**Wisdom Teeth** \- your name is a lie. Get learnt, ‘cos **Ya Burnt**.

[**Terry Vereline.**](https://www.cbsnews.com/news/paralyzed-us-veteran-finishes-new-york-city-marathon-using-rewalk-robotic-exoskeleton/) You’re 65 years old. You’re a Vietnam Vet. You’re paralysed from the waist down. What do you do? ‘Cos I’d, like, drink Sunny D and spiced rum every day of my _ life _ in front of the complete chronological series of ‘Sesame Street’. This cyborg-athlete hybrid had a different kind of marathon to tackle in mind, though - the New York City Marathon. Not only is she the first paralysed person to complete the course, but she did it as a motherf*cking _ robot_.

Look at that. For these reasons, Terry, you are **this week’s Unburnable** \- ascend to the Heavens one determined step at a time, you beautiful devoted Transformer.

**Tinnitus.** Because everyone wants to be reminded of the amazing concert they went to last night at unpredictable, high-pitched intervals! New York’s _ Coldest _ Club is C. H. ILL and it _ exclusively _ plays tinnitus music. You know, it’s like, that thing where teenagers play high pitched sounds on a skeevy frequency generator they got free from the App Store? And then they annoy their AP History class with it, but the teacher can’t figure out why all the kids are wincing at their multiple-choice tests? A drop-out from one of _ those _ classrooms developed it as a genre, and blasts it through an abandoned tuna canning factory on Mondays and Thursdays. I _ hate _ it. She calls it ‘ear drum-and-bass’.

I don’t _ have _to go out to hear atonal screeching. If I want to torture myself with noises designed to distress dogs, I’ll stay in and listen to my husband lament all over the Northwestern Wildcats Women’s Basketball Team. Hear that, tinnitus? EEEEEEEEEE-- **Ya Burnt!**

**Ugly Christmas Sweaters.** Why are we wasting wool on pullovers that look crappy on _ purpose?_ Just buy the ones that think they actually look nice for that extra level of irony. They’re _ waaaay _ more ironic, flammable, and fun! It’s the difference between watching a porn star masturbate or a Mormon masturbate - one of them thinks she’s making the correct decisions, and that’s what makes everything a _ little _more interesting. It’s not a scratchcard, honey!

Ugly Christmas Sweaters are just another dumb seasonal ploy by stores to make you feel like an asshole in your office when you don’t buy into it. Like, hey, you know what’s a great idea? Oddly-stitched clothing that explains the plot of the first ‘Jurassic Park’ movie! Better yet, I can only wear for sixteen days out of the year. It’s a steal at fifty dollars. _ Fifty dollars_?! Do the proceeds go towards their cloning programme?

Life finds a way - an itchy, tacky way. **Ugly Christmas Sweaters**, **Ya Burnt.**

**Straight White Women Who Think They Can Classify Straight Men’s Body Types.**

So you’ve seen Shannon and Jayla huddled in a corner in the office, and they’ve got a Google images search up of that one K-Pop group who obviously launder money and have a drug problem. (It happens to the best of groups.) And then you hear Shannon say, in the tone of voice only a Terminally Incorrect Person can utilize:

“Oh my god, he’s _ such _ a bear!”

Girl.

_ Girl_.

You _ can’t _ just go around pinning banners on a ninety-pound streak of sweet cock-all because he has a _ slight _ pre-pubescent mustache!

‘Bear’ is a label that you _ earn _ by being at a comfortable two-forty-five and _ still _ dedicating yourself to leather pants. Thirty of those pounds are sheer body hair _ alone_! And you’d better believe the rest of him is the definition of ‘Gentle Suburban Father Who Goes On _ Wild Weekends _ With The Boys’. You’re so dazzlingly clueless that you’d be the woman he’s married to!

You’re not qualified to make the assessments you’re making, and your candidates don’t even _ remotely _meet the criteria for the job. It’s, like, that thing of where Donald Trump nominates federal judges.

[Fanning himself, Stefon is clearly delighted with his topical joke, and the crowd erupts. It’s a moment before he leans in conspiratorially:]

(...I am _ so _ getting laid this week for that.)

[Knowing nods at the audience. He’s immersing himself in Seth’s world, here, come on.]

And for that matter, stop thinking you can slap terms like ‘twink’ and ‘fem’ on every tiny white guy that you want to f*ck. If they don’t like men, then they’re not eligible! Between this and the ‘dark version’ of them I keep seeing on Wattpad, I can’t tell if you want to be dominated by them or not, it’s super confusing. 

**Straight White Women Who Think They Can Classify Straight Men’s Body Types** \- you’re repulsive, you’re wrong, and they _ don’t _ like dong. **Ya Blazed!**

[There’s a whirring spin of warped red lights, and a maniacal glee creeps over Stefon’s expression.]

Uh oh! That siren means that things are really heating up. I _ love _ it. I _ love _ complaining, I really do. But I have to be fair to both sides -so it’s time for our speed round.

**Twinks** \- Your pride parade entries look like a float celebrating pasta with abs. Ya Blazed!

**Twunks** \- Oh, great, it’s an image of twink that got _ just _the width resized in Microsoft Word. Ya Blazed!

**Otters** \- Just what I wanted… A word for Human Drain Snakes. Ya Blazed!

**Butches** \- I have _ never _met a butch bartender that could make a good cocktail. Wonder why? Ya Blazed!

**Lipstick Lesbians** \- Why are you putting so much effort in? You’re already a woman, lesbians love those. Ya Blazed!

**Chapstick Lesbians** \- Too easy to lose in the bottom of my purse. Ya Blazed!

**Bears** \- You should branch out from the fall colors, they’re draining you. Ya Blazed!

**Cubs** \- You’re clearly _ going _ to be a Bear at some point? But right now, you’re twenty-four and hanging in the balance between ‘becoming my son’s favorite cuddly kindergarten teacher’, or ‘blooming into a racist trucker’. And you _ won’t _ look good in that red cap. Ya Blazed!

[An explosion effect signifies another cycle of sirens. Stefon is stopped in his choreographed tracks.]

_ Uh oh! _ That buzzer means we’ve run out of time. This has been **Ya Burnt**!

* * *

That’s the end of tonight’s show. I asked if we could take it easy with the outro because Seth has a headache the size of Australia… Turn off the TV, honey. I need you to be asleep when I come fluff your pillows because Joel’s in our spare room in a _ wretched _ state, and I _ don’t _want any Technicolor Sympathy.

[There’s a burbling of confusion from the audience.]

Oh, well… Joel’s been known to… put the ‘retch’ into ‘wretched’...

[He pauses, as if waiting for confirmation.]

And you know that _ thing_, where someone pukes, and then someone _ else _ sees it, and it makes them puke too? _ That’s _Technicolor Sympathy. With all the gummy vitamins Seth’s been taking, it’ll be like getting a Jackson Pollock physically refunded.

Listen - he’s in a delicate way. I _ don’t _ want any in my marital bed.

And with that we’re going to say goodnight - thank you to the 8G Band, and my guest, ‘Tetanus’ Joel Tontodonati, as well as the sexy spoilsports that Seth Meyers calls ‘staff’. He’ll return next week! 

Thank you for having Stefon, New York! Love you _ byeeee! _

[He waves frantically, beaming like the Cheshire Cat on the _ good _ket, as the cameras pan out. The wide shot shows the audience shrieking and applauding wildly, and Stefon soaks it all in, before light-footedly making his way over to the band and draping himself over the keyboard.]

[The screen goes dark before we can see the aftermath. The network cuts to commercials.]

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe how much effort I put into this. All of these images were made on Paint. I'm simultaneously appalled and impressed with myself, good _god._
> 
> If, for some unholy reason, you were actually interested in this, then let me know! ☺


End file.
